I would love to have a weekend off, to catch up with mates, write a blog in peace, have some time with a man but it never happens. I would love my kids to come home after walks on the beach, adventures on Dartmoor and too many sweets but it never happens. Sometimes my kids go on sleepovers with friends but rarely on the same weekend, when they do I try to get in a date, review a band and what I like on the telly and go for a walk in the country and deep clean the house in 48 hours, I end up exhausted and I'm teetotal so I can't blame the booze, it's because I've tried to fit in a few months of fun and work time into 48 hours. So why don't my kids see their dad and I would love them to see their dad, why I can't let them see dad is a really sad tale.
1 2 Their father of my kids is an alcoholic, he drives drunk and takes other exotic substances, my children have visited him in hospital with fellow alcoholics because he was pooping out blood, and he looked us straight in the eye and told us he wasn't drinking, nobody believed him.
My ex is an extreme case, at best he is a testament to human endurance, at worst he is a walking disaster area, but the sad truth is there are way more male heavy drinkers than female booze heads. 1 in 3 drinks more than the recommended amount, only one in 6 women drink too much, a man is more likely to be an alcoholic, 9 in 100 men are addicted while only 4 in 100 women are hooked, more than twice as many men as women.
Now you have to live with an alcoholic to understand the whirlwind you can live in, remember "The Simpsons Movie" when Lisa tells the family to rebuild their lives while perma drunk Homer is away, we laughed at that manically, it's true, nothing goes to plan, life with a drunk means budgets can't be made and lies get told, there is no family life worth living with a drunk. So we can guarantee many women simply can't trust their kids father or have had enough of the food money being spent on booze, who can blame them for taking their kids out of the chaos a drunk can bring. Even a heavy drinker spends money, is moody and a bad example to the kids, they regularly spend an evening without the logical side of their brain, you end up with another 6'2 child, no woman wants that.
Illegal drugs are mostly a hobby of youth, this is lucky as children and the self indulgent druggie haze and screaming babies are simply not compatible, so it's good most people give up the substances before they start a family at around 25.
The most commonly used drug over this age is Cannabis, many people see this as a peaceful, harmless hobby but it changes how people think, it can make people paranoid, moody and make any underlying mental illness worse, it can mess with sleep and in extreme cases cause aggression. People see weed as acceptable but do you want you teenager going to school reeking of the stuff? Now if daddy is too attached to his weed and some loser mates take up residence in the living room passing the bong talking nonsense this may annoy the Missus, so much she chucks you, the Rizla and the dodgy mates out for good, a love for an illegal drug is also a good reason not to let you see the kids too.
After too many declarations of new found sobriety don't come true we stop believing a word you say, this erosion of trust means we're less likely to trust you with the kids and when we have been patient, tried to get you to see a doctor the trust simply goes away, and we loved you once that trust will never come back, you and your kids suffer for that, is the bong and booze worth it?
I started believing some romantic, tragic nonsense about being in some destructive relationship worthy of a Country and Western ballad and we would be healed by splitting up. After a few months I realised he was a walking, depressing musical all by himself. For some crazy reason I trusted him and at first two happy spoilt kids came home, I had time to myself, dates and a new freedom. Then two traumatised kids came home, he had beaten up his girlfriend right in front of them. I was told that fathers were important, I was brought up by a single dad so I made a deal, he would pay for the kids to go to the cinema, I would pay for myself and he would be supervised and pay for the kids. This went well until jealous, drunk girlfriend came along and a very public fight ensued , any conditions I made were not met, we were simply fed up with his drama, so were my kids. He has barely seen them in about two years, we know this wont change, we sometimes see a broken man shuffling but a woman didn't break him. he wreaked himself. He is simply not fit to be part of his children's lives.
So when I see a man dressed as Spiderman climbing up a building I wonder what the story is. I am a feminist, I believe a man is often a better choice for the kids and I do believe the courts favour mum a little too much.so I could have sympathy but look at their Twitter feed and plenty seems anti woman and anti feminist so my sympathy fades fast. Their macho antics seem to fulfill the worst male stereotypes, climbing up buildings in silly outfits, wreaking good paintings just seems a very childish form of attention seeking. Fathers for Justice could work with women not against them, and feminists should be on their side but no, it's turned into an adult game of "girls against boys", maybe the system needs to change and to change the system we need to put our emotions aside and grow up. And men, for now you have to work with the system you have, give up the booze and bong, go to counseling and ask what you need to do and then do it everything you can to be the best dad you can be, your kids deserve a dad and mum deserves a break.
1 http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Alcoholism-and-Problem-Drinking.htm
1 https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/effects-on-the-body/alcohol-and-men
2 http://www.learn-about-alcoholism.com/effects-of-alcoholism.html
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/Social/Module10JFamilies/Module10J.html
3 http://liberalconspiracy.org/2012/07/04/why-fathers4justice-deserved-to-lose-their-case-against-mumsnet/
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3652502.stm
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